Today has been better than yesterday, although far from a walk in the park. My chest is desperate for nicotine, but I'm not going to give in.
I tried one of Terry's patches this morning, I seriously regret doing that. My arm started itching immediately & went bright red. It felt like I'd been punched in the arm and I felt so sick I actually had my head over the toilet at one point today. That coupled with my codeine tablets made for an extremely unpleasant feeling. As soon as I took the patch off I started feeling better almost immediately.
Terry got 2 bids yesterday, one of £350 and another at £375! Just knowing about that really helps to motivate us to keep up with not smoking. I can't believe how generous people have been.
Not really much to report today, we haven't argued at all and there's been no rages from me... But I still feel like I could kill someone. Let's hope tomorrow continues to get better. The real test will be when we next go out drinking.
Wednesday 2 November 2011
Tuesday 1 November 2011
The Big Day
Well today has been horrible. I have never suffered so much on the first day of quitting before. Normally it takes a couple of days for me to really get stressed, but today has been probably the worst day I've had this year - that I can remember!
My cousin came to visit me this morning with her two kids, I haven't seen her since my wedding day so it was something to look forward to. It was quite tough when she arrived as she doesn't use social networking sites and was unaware that I've given up smoking. The first thing she did was knock on the door & then stand outside smoking while I just watched. We used to smoke indoors, but whenever she comes over we had to smoke outside due to the kids. It was really tough watching her smoke, but I got through it okay I think.
I think the problems today started after getting back from visiting our friend in hospital. She had a baby this morning so we went to visit her for about an hour in the afternoon. On the way back, it was rush hour so we had to take a diversion away from the M25 and ended up stopping at Terry's parents to avoid the traffic. His mum made us dinner which was really nice.
I just feel really fucking awful. So many different emotions, I can't cope with feeling like this every day. I can even tell that I'm in a foul mood and being snappy. Normally, I don't believe people when they say I'm moody so I must be really bad to be able to notice it myself. I could quite happily smash the shit out of something and have a huge temper tantrum. Terry doesn't seem to be too bad in terms of moodiness, it's just me. Normally I'm the one egging him on to keep going, for some reason I'm really having a hard time today.
I can't even use my nicotine replacement gum as it made my throat burn really badly, so basically I'm fucked. I'm allergic to the bastard patches and I'm not allowed to take Champix because it makes you go crazy and my work probably wouldn't allow me to take it.
I really don't want to talk to anyone at the moment, I am swinging between feelings of intense rage and major depression. I just asked Terry to stop chewing his finger nail because the noise is annoying me, he sort of smiled & put the bitten fingernail in my handbag (gross) to make me laugh - I just burst into tears. What the fuck is that all about. I feel heartbroken, yet there's no reason for it. I actually feel like a mental person - I have been feeling tearful for hours now and it literally just got the better of me 3 minutes ago. It's ridiculous, but anyone who hasn't given up smoking before will never understand. I don't even understand myself, I have never been this bad before. Nowhere even close.
The only thing stopping me from going to the shop and buying cigarettes is knowing how much faith people have put into us by giving us sponsorship. And thinking of Tor who had a double lung transplant a few weeks ago to help give her her life back. If it wasn't for Tor, and our sponsorship money, I would've given up giving up hours ago.
This fucking sucks.
Once again here's the pages for donation. We will be continuing to collect donations for the foreseeable future. There's no actual cut off date.
www.justgiving.com/LaurenCHollands (me)
www.justgiving.com/TerryHollands (Terry's page)
www.justgiving.com/teams/happylungs if you want to join in the fundraising
Sorry for all the swearing. I could actually murder someone right now. Back tomorrow hopefully!!
Lauren
My cousin came to visit me this morning with her two kids, I haven't seen her since my wedding day so it was something to look forward to. It was quite tough when she arrived as she doesn't use social networking sites and was unaware that I've given up smoking. The first thing she did was knock on the door & then stand outside smoking while I just watched. We used to smoke indoors, but whenever she comes over we had to smoke outside due to the kids. It was really tough watching her smoke, but I got through it okay I think.
I think the problems today started after getting back from visiting our friend in hospital. She had a baby this morning so we went to visit her for about an hour in the afternoon. On the way back, it was rush hour so we had to take a diversion away from the M25 and ended up stopping at Terry's parents to avoid the traffic. His mum made us dinner which was really nice.
I just feel really fucking awful. So many different emotions, I can't cope with feeling like this every day. I can even tell that I'm in a foul mood and being snappy. Normally, I don't believe people when they say I'm moody so I must be really bad to be able to notice it myself. I could quite happily smash the shit out of something and have a huge temper tantrum. Terry doesn't seem to be too bad in terms of moodiness, it's just me. Normally I'm the one egging him on to keep going, for some reason I'm really having a hard time today.
I can't even use my nicotine replacement gum as it made my throat burn really badly, so basically I'm fucked. I'm allergic to the bastard patches and I'm not allowed to take Champix because it makes you go crazy and my work probably wouldn't allow me to take it.
I really don't want to talk to anyone at the moment, I am swinging between feelings of intense rage and major depression. I just asked Terry to stop chewing his finger nail because the noise is annoying me, he sort of smiled & put the bitten fingernail in my handbag (gross) to make me laugh - I just burst into tears. What the fuck is that all about. I feel heartbroken, yet there's no reason for it. I actually feel like a mental person - I have been feeling tearful for hours now and it literally just got the better of me 3 minutes ago. It's ridiculous, but anyone who hasn't given up smoking before will never understand. I don't even understand myself, I have never been this bad before. Nowhere even close.
The only thing stopping me from going to the shop and buying cigarettes is knowing how much faith people have put into us by giving us sponsorship. And thinking of Tor who had a double lung transplant a few weeks ago to help give her her life back. If it wasn't for Tor, and our sponsorship money, I would've given up giving up hours ago.
This fucking sucks.
Once again here's the pages for donation. We will be continuing to collect donations for the foreseeable future. There's no actual cut off date.
www.justgiving.com/LaurenCHollands (me)
www.justgiving.com/TerryHollands (Terry's page)
www.justgiving.com/teams/happylungs if you want to join in the fundraising
Sorry for all the swearing. I could actually murder someone right now. Back tomorrow hopefully!!
Lauren
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